It is late. I’ve just finished my scripture study for the night and kneel at the base of my bed to once again tell about my day to Him who knows all. Doubt has been slowly sinking into my soul as of late, like a poison administered over long period of time. Now it all comes to a head. In this one moment, every question I have of Deity and a higher knowledge enters my heart. I climb back in bed and lie un-movingly. I’m numb. My faith, I thought so strong, has in one instant, become invalid. I’m so troubled. Sleep is absolutely out of the question. Exiting my bed I grab my scriptures and a flashlight and begin walking. Out of the dorm. Out of the hall. Out of existence. I continue walking for sometime without actually thinking. I remember fog, though literal or abstract my mind does not recall. A chorus of bells rings into my numbed ears as I find I’ve walked straight to the All Saints Chapel. The bells begin ringing as soon as I reach the doors. I think it strange that they would ring at such an exact time, but continue on into the chapel and in my spiritual distress forget them entirely. One hundred foot ceilings loom overhead. The stone surrounding throws every sound directly back at me, creating the illusion I’m not alone. I fall to my knees, crying, and begin a prayer.
“Father if you can hear me give me a sign….give me something.” followed by choked sobs.
I kneel there for what feels like hours, searching inside of my self for some sort of revelation. None comes. I despair, climbing to my feet I begin out of the chapel. Right as I’m about to exit, I glance to my right. On a particle board display is a cheaply printed cut out quote saying,
“Never send to know for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee.”
I immediately fall back into the wooden bench behind me. I feel a pull on my heart. The strum of a guitar. A leaf falling, sent through spirals on its descent. I see life in a single moment, in one small slightly bent piece of paper. The bells play over and over in my ears, the sweetest tune I’ve ever heard. It speaks not only of happiness but of faith. In a few simple, ringing notes my entire view of life is transformed. Some might look at this as a coincidence and not even a very unlikely one, but for me, that one moment has change me, nearly completely, as a person. My place under God has never been clearer. After this experience I can honestly say I have never felt warmer than that night surrounded by cold stone. I have never felt more like I belong to something. God has not left us here to our own devices. There is a plan. There is a goal. This small amount of knowledge is enough to make me content. It is enough to keep me living and striving everyday to hear those sweet bells of the spirit in my heart. He lives. He loves us. That is all that matters.